When I first sat down to reflect on these past two weeks, thinking about where I am currently after Disciples Peace Internship’s Training Week and Resource Development Week, all I could think of was 4 words. Well, here I go.
Starting off this summer I was feeling ready to go, excited for a new journey. Training week was incredible, as I was able to learn, question, create, reflect, and discuss with my fellow peace interns, as well as other fellow Disciples and social justice workers. I wanted to go through this week taking in as much as I could, study as much as I could, and prepare as much as I could.
Each day came and went, learning and growing, picking out resources, creating ideas, making workshops and activities for this summer. Until all of the sudden, training week is over, resource week is over, and I am sitting in my bunk bed the night before I travel to my first camp in Kentucky, papers sprawled all along the bed and floor, checking my packing list over and over, planning my drive, making sure I had all of my resources, preparing for the near journey ahead of me, and I found myself feeling frustrated. I groaned and thought to myself, “Why am I frustrated?”. I did not want to feel frustration, I wanted to only feel happiness, excitement, that little bit of nervousness that comes with the excitement. I wanted to feel courage and start this summer with my head held high, knowing I am to teach and learn about peace and justice. Then I realized, instead of feeling courage, fear made a home in my mind and heart. I finally had to take a deep breath, I welcomed the tears and said the words out loud, “I am scared”, and not only am I scared, but I am frustrated that I am scared.
Sitting in my fear and frustration, praying to God, arguing with God, and arguing with myself, I felt a calling to open my bible. So, I did, and I read Exodus 3, specifically Exodus 3:1-7, Moses and the Burning Bush. I kind of giggled, deciding to read this story, the story I have heard over and over again since I was a young child in Sunday School. The story that has been repeatedly illustrated to me in books and movies, but I read it, and upon reading this passage, I noticed something. When Moses finds the Burning Bush, he hears God calling to him and replies. “Here I am.” Moses places himself, his full self, mind, body and spirit in front of God, acknowledging God’s calling for him. Yet, it isn’t until God shows their full selves saying, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.”, that Moses then is fearful and hides. Moses did not express his fear when he saw the burning bush, or when he heard God’s voice. Instead, he felt fear when God revealed more.
That night, sitting in my bed, I started to see more and more of God’s calling that was being put on my heart, and like Moses, I was scared. I wanted to hide my face from the fear. But what comes after the fear? What comes after the learning and teaching and doing? What comes after we tell God, “Here I am.”? Justice, equality, and peace. The good and spacious land, flowing with milk and honey, God promised to end the suffering.
I know this summer will be filled with challenges, worries, anxieties, and you guessed it, fear, but I also know and hold that this summer will be filled with peace, justice, friendship, fellowship, and love.
As I head into this journey, knowing there are others following their own callings God has placed on their hearts, knowing there are others struggling, seeking peace and justice in this world, knowing that fear is present, I say to them and to myself:
Peace be with you.